Take 2

Painting: Ocean Fishing with a Tree Branch

2010-08-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

Ocean Fishing with a Tree Branch (Acrylic on Canvas) 2'x2.5'

Just finished this painting today. Well, kind of finished it. It didn't turn out quite how I planned it. I'm still trying to figure out how colors work together and how to depict lighting and shadows. I still don't know how to paint a solid, clear cut shape. It always turns out hazy on the edges. And I have to learn to be a little more patient with my paintings. I get a little antsy to finish them so I start getting a little sloppy toward the end. I think that's always been hard for me....focus and discipline.

The Local Library

2010-08-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

Made a stop at the local library on Saturday. This trip I came home with these treasures:

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Spanish for Dummies

German for Dummies

Sweet Aunt (a Japanese novel)

God Created the Integers by Stephen Hawking

Color Secrets for Glowing Oil Paintings

Understanding Paintings: Themes in Art Explored and Explained

The New Artist's Manual

The Art of James Christensen: A Journey of the Imagination

I probably won't read all these books. I just have a hard time saying no in the library. It's kind of like going to a buffet--I want to try every single item on the menu, but will most likely end up leaving a lot on my plate. But at least with books, it doesn't hurt to try.

Turns out I'm gonna take another break this semester. I didn't quite meet the qualifications for residency here. It'll take another month before I get that cleared. I used to view school as having a definite deadline...like all the papers and problems we have to turn in by a certain date. Now it's turned into more of browsing session in the bookstore. Spend a little time here, open up that book there, look at what the other customers are looking at....I'll get through it eventually, but I want to make sure that the book I choose is one I'll enjoy reading. And of course one that I can pay for.

In the meantime though, I have the library to help me with my studies. I'm of the mindset that the quality of learning isn't determined by the school that you go to. It isn't even determined on whether the learning you get is from school or not. The biggest factor in learning is passion. I think that a good portion of us don't really learn much in school. We get through it, but don't take much out of it. Here's a speech by a valedictorian that sums it up pretty well:

http://blog.swiftkickonline.com/2010/07/valedictorian-speaks-out-against-schooling-in-graduation-speech.html

Summer...bummer....

2010-07-31T05:35:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep.....it's ridiculously hot and stuffy in my room. The fan is on full blast and it still feels like the inside of a dog's mouth.

It seems my automobile problems are....what's the word....I hate it when I can't think of a word. Anyway, I'm not the only one with car problems. My roommate's car is out of commission too, thanks to a little fender bender. Contagious. That's the word.

I really should be sleeping, I have a test tomorrow. My art history class has been quite enjoyable, aside from the fact that it's two and a half hours long. Back in grade school, I used to cringe whenever teachers and students would look for meanings and symbolism in literature and art. I'm turning into one of them. The different paintings that we've been looking at fascinate me; From classical to baroque, naturalism to romanticism..... It amazes me how a thousand different brush strokes using hundreds of shades of colors end up conveying a snapshot of the world at that time...a glimpse into the artist's mind. I find it absolutely beautiful. Inspiring. Yes, you may cringe...I still do sometimes. But that feeling of unfamiliarity is gradually being overtaken by a sense of wonder. At times I take a deep breath in an attempt to take in a painting and all its grandeur. And it still isn't enough.

I had a previous post where I made a list of people I'd like to meet. I want to extend that list to include:
Leonardo Da Vinci
Raphael
Bernini
Caravaggio
Rembrandt

The sun is starting to rise. Time to go to bed.

Smart Phone, Dumb People

2010-07-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

My older brother and I just got the Droid phone over the weekend. Not the new one mind you. It's the first one, but still pretty dang slick. I never really had a desire to get one of the those smart phones--I was fully satisfied with a phone that could make calls and send texts (which is quite a lot to demand from a phone...I still remember my family having a phone that was connected to the wall, and you actually had to TURN the dial...crazy thing took a minute to call someone). But there was a good deal, and my brother needed a new phone, so I decided to give it a try.

Now, I consider myself young. This smart phone though...it's giving me second thoughts. My brother took several minutes trying to unsuccessfully unlock the phone while I stood a helpless bystander. We finally had to ask the store rep, and with a flick of a finger across the interface he gave us access to the unknown. I felt like my parents trying to figure out how to use a VCR. For those of you who don't know what a VCR is, it was how we watched movies back in the day. You inserted a block the size of a dictionary into the VCR and pressed play. Yeah....you know the book shelf you have that holds a gazillion DVDs? That same book shelf would hold 7 video cassette tapes. And once you were done with the movie, you had to press rewind and wait for a good ten minutes for the movie to rewind back to the beginning. Some people actually had a separate device to rewind already watched movies. Technology has come a long way.

But so far this new smart phone has me pretty impressed. Not only can it make calls and text people, but it can scan barcodes so I can tell the cashier not only the current price of the item I'm about to buy, but also the price of this same item at the next supermarket down the road; it gives me my current location just in case in some often-occurring moment of soul-searching I suddenly forget where I am; and it lets me do all my shopping online right from my bed--thus rendering the barcode scanner useless, and the current location locator virtually worthless.

(I actually really like the phone. Right now I'm just scanning a bunch of CDs and books I've already bought)

How do I work this thing?

2010-06-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

It's been several months since my last post. I haven't exactly given up on posting, I just needed to get back in the mood to start writing again. But I have been trying to do a lot of songwriting the past week or so. Hopefully I'll get some of those recorded in the near future.

As far as updates go:
I'm back in school! Just taking an art history class over the summer. History has always been one of my worst subjects, but I'm enjoying it so far.
My car broke down, so I learned how to ride my roommate's bike and got a motorcycle license.
The motorcycle started having problems, so I learned how to read bus routes and started catching the bus.
So far the bus hasn't been having any problems.
I moved to a new place. It's nice. And close to Wal-Mart.

Not much of an eventful 4 months. Gotta get things rolling.

New Roommate

2010-02-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

So my roommate (and his girlfriend) got a dog. A puppy to be exact. She is a six week old golden lab. At first I was a little hesitant because I knew that I would end up caring for her when they weren't around. But I quickly warmed up to the idea of having another roommate around.

I've always wanted a dog, but for some reason my parents never let us have one. I guess my chance finally came.

I'll post a picture or two of her soon.

On a side note, my sleeping habits have improved a bit.

Counting Sheep

2010-01-20T02:28:00.000-08:00

It's 3:15 in the morning. The past couple of days have been worse. Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep till 5. And the day before that was 6.

It's during these wee hours of the morning, when it seems that the whole world is gone, that I feel the insignificance of my existence.

3:18...

3:19...

3:20...Everything is just swallowed up in the darkness, only made more pronounced by the mechanical glow of my computer screen. It must be by intent that we are designed to be asleep during the most silent hours of the night.

Why is Life Hard?

2010-01-06T01:28:00.000-08:00

I think that for many people, life feels really, really hard. I know that I feel that way. But I've also started to notice that one reason why life is so hard is because we make it that way. Not "we" as in the human race. I meant "we" as in "me". I make my life hard. You make your life hard, whoever you are. Or if you don't think that life is hard, then kudos to you.

So in light of this, I have a question:

Why do we make our lives hard in the first place? I know that there are other things that could cause this. For someone like me, who believes in God and that there is a purpose to this life, I believe that life has necessary challenges for us to learn and grow. But taking that out of the picture, there are things that we choose to do that make things harder than it needs to be.

The reason that I am writing about this is because I think I make my life harder than it needs to be. Although my words may seem structured and cold, I'm actually feeling really sore inside right now.

Haven't you ever thought that it would be nice to go back in time with the things that you know now?

To the New Year

2010-01-03T04:26:00.000-08:00

Dear 2009,

You were a tough SOB. But thanks.

It's kind of strange how the change of one second to the next normally passes unnoticed. You probably would have never found any significance in the second that it took you to read this, except for the fact that I just pointed it out.

But when a new year comes around the last second gets all the attention.

We try to shed our old selves and put on better improved versions of ourselves. Or at least promise that we will in the coming months. New Years resolutions are like an all-you-can-eat buffet--they sound good in the beginning, but then you find that you bit off more than you can chew.

...except for the fact that you usually have to finish what you started at the buffet.

Dear 2010,

I don't know what to expect from you. If you are anything like 2009, I'll just drop all expectations right now.

Painting: "The Birdhouse"

2009-12-26T01:45:00.000-08:00

This was my first attempt at acrylic. I made it as a gift for someone. It took me roughly 8 hours to complete.

"The Birdhouse" 12/25/2009, 24 X 36"

Here it is cropped and lightened.

You can't really see it in the photos, but there is a small red bird in the top right area of the tree.

Final Answer?

2009-12-16T03:04:00.000-08:00

I took a tour of the culinary facilities on Monday. I thought it was really cool. Pots bubbling with soups and sauces, ducks being seared on the stove, zucchinis and squashes being sliced and diced...I really like cooking.

I went home for lunch and promptly cooked chicken cordon bleu for lunch. First time trying it.

Culinary school has been something that has been on my mind for over a year now.

But I think I am going to go with Arts and Visual Communications. I talked to one of the art teachers at her studio, and it felt really good. We talked for a bit about art, the program, her students, the field, artists that I liked...she was a sweet old lady. She bluntly said that in order to succeed in this field I had to work really hard and work smart.

I can do that.

IHOP and Degrees

2009-12-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

I went to IHOP this morning for breakfast. I don't usually care too much for IHOP, but this time it was great. And I didn't even finish all of my food. : )

After IHOP, I went to the university I am planning on transferring to, and met with the two advisors I had appointments with. I am currently considering pursuing a BFA in Art and Visual Communication and then trying to go for a Masters in business, or entering the Culinary Arts program for an associates degree.

Both advisors were very helpful. One of the advisors offered to give me a tour of the culinary facilities next week and said I could sit in on a class! The other advisor told me that one of the teachers has an independent studio and suggested that I visit her studio and talk to her to get a better idea of what Art and Visual Communication could have in store for me. I appreciate helpful people.

I'll make my decision soon.

I had less than three hours of sleep last night. I better get to bed. Oyasumi!

Transfer...

2009-12-11T02:33:00.000-08:00

I visited another university in the area to find out about transferring credits.

I am thinking about going into culinary arts, or arts and visual communication--it's a bit scary, but exciting! Tomorrow (or I guess it would be today), I have an appointment with the advisor for culinary arts, and for arts and visual communication.

I've always known that I am a creative soul. But I've been feeling that a lot more recently. Image and possessions don't mean much to me. Although I would like lots of money so that I can do the things that I want to do (i.e. spend time with family and friends, see the world, create things...) I don't think they define who one is. What defines someone is what is inside them--what they have to share and leave to the world.

I express myself by creating things. Things that I feel in my heart. Things that make me who I am. Whether it is music, or food, or art, I try to leave some of my soul in it. Everyone has a side to themselves that wants desperately to be understood by someone else. I do.

LLIB 14--Thoughts on Marriage

2009-12-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

1154. Remember that a lasting marriage is built on commitment, not convenience.

I am not married, but even I know that marriage isn't something you start working on the moment you get married. By then it could be too late.

It's sad that so many people end up getting divorced. Imagine what the world would be like if every single person that got married put everything they could into their marriage. That's a world that I would like to live in.

I imagine that marriage isn't easy. I am beginning to realize that it's probably better that it's not.

If anything is worth fighting for, expect to be fighting for it.

Libraries and Bookstores

2009-12-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

I got a library card last week. I think it's my first one in about ten years.

Look at that! I have a stuffed frog that looks just like the frog on my library card! It was won at a carnival by someone very special.

I realized that libraries and bookstores are my "recharging" spots. Whenever I spend some time in them, I leave feeling energized and ready to take on the world. It's hard to not be influenced by all the knowledge housed in the hundreds of thousands of books on the shelves. I don't even have to read them--I'm inspired by the very thought of being surrounded by the ideas of brilliant minds.

I like to imagine that I am a kindred spirit.

This visit I borrowed...

Freedom Writers: I highly recommend this movie

Breach: I enjoyed this movie

Built to Last: an audio CD about successful habits of visionary companies

two books on landscape painting: I am working on another painting

Spanish language CDs: no particular reason...I just want to try learning another language

Please Save This Memory in a Clear Jar

2009-12-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there are times and moments that you just wish you could pause, rewind, and relive over and over and over again...

12/7/2009 12:07 AM to 2:55 AM

This was one of those moments...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/teresa-stanton/ / CC BY 2.0

"Ordinary People..."

2009-12-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

Ordinary people, like you and me,
Can make a change...or two...or three

Ordinary change--a smile, a hand
May save a life, and help one stand

An ordinary life, if there is such a thing,
Holds hopes and wishes, thoughts and dreams

And where dreams end, we may never know...
...sometimes dreams can grow and change the world

Moments, Life, and Despair

2009-12-04T21:20:00.000-08:00

Life dies inside a person when there are no others willing to be-friend him. He thus gets filled with emptiness and a non-existent sense of self-worth.

- Mark R. J. Lavoie

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

- Pearl S. Buck

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it.

- Vincent van Gogh

2009-12-02T01:54:00.000-08:00

I've been away from the blog scene for almost a week. With my little brother here it's been kind of hard to just sit down and process my thoughts to write.

Out of my entire life, this past week has arguably been the most ________. I can't even think of a word that will fit in the blank.

Overdue Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T23:47:00.001-08:00

It's been about 3 years since my whole family gathered together for Thanksgiving. We used to have it with my grandparents (Dad's side), and my Dad's sister's family. Today it was Mom, Dad, my two brothers, and me. And that is probably how it will be from now on....if we ever do get together again. It's kind of hard to visit family whenever I want being up here in Utah. My older brother lives about two minutes from my place, but my parents and younger brother are back in Hawaii. The last time I saw them was over a year ago.

Miles aren't the only thing that is keeping us apart...

My parents go back home this Sunday. My younger brother will be staying up here for another three weeks. After that, who knows when I'll see them again...But it was nice to have Thanksgiving dinner together as a family. Here is what was on the menu:
-Rice
-Garlic mashed potatoes w/gravy
-Baked fall vegetables
-Stuffing
-Shrimp tempura--we have this every year...even last year when it was just my older brother and I
-Turkey made by yours truly--I did this thing on the fly! First I put it in a brine of water, salt, basil, garlic, and peppercorn. Then I stuffed it with onions, carrots, celery, apples, garlic, peppercorn, and cinnamon bark. Next I injected it with butter marinade (store bought). After giving it an oil rubdown and applying garlic herb seasoning liberally, I placed it on a rack carefully placed on a baking pan. In the baking pan I poured in some of the brine and threw in more onions, garlic, and apple slices. Several hours in the oven (majority of the time covered in foil), and this masterpiece popped out!

It was so good...

This was my plate. Look at that! Mom makes a mean shrimp tempura...

Leftovers tomorrow!

Alzheimers

2009-11-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was get my Netflix movies and gas bill ready to mail. I walked outside and halfway down the driveway I realized I only had the movies in hand. I turned back, went to my room and grabbed the gas bill. A bit irritated, I ran outside to the mailbox to get this menial chore over with...but when I got there, I looked down and only saw the bill in my hand--this time I left the movies in my room. Are you kidding me!?

I need a new brain.

Parents

2009-11-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

My parents are here visiting for a week.

I don't know how to open up and talk to them. I can't really recall a time when I felt comfortable talking to them about anything and everything. And I don't really know why....

Does anyone else feel like that? Aren't parents supposed to be people you feel like you can go to for anything?

LLIB 13

2009-11-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

913. Be cautious telling people how contented and happy you are. Some will resent it.
I once knew a guy who was always smiling. Like ALL THE TIME. And it bugged me to no end. If he was really smiling, inside and out, I don't think I would have had a problem with it. But there were times when I knew he was irritated with me, and yet he kept smiling. I could tell because his eyes weren't smiling.

Sometimes I do think it's a bit much when some people are ALWAYS smiling and ALWAYS happy to the point where I start wondering if they are faking it or not. Don't get me wrong, I like being around positive people....but at the same time I appreciate those who have experienced the gray rainy days of life, and seem to understand that others have too.

LLIB 12--Babysitting

2009-11-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

1423. Take more pictures of people than of places.

I babysat for a really good friend today. He and his wife has one of the cutest kids I have ever seen. I admit it was kind of tiring, but a lot of fun. There was one point where he was trying to talk to me. It sounded kind of like "Umununumunnubunububmbu...." No idea what he was trying to say, but it seriously looked like he was fully expecting me to understand him.

I took my guitar along to try and amuse him. I don't exactly have toys laying around my place. He loved it. I think he was trying to play it with his feet. Or maybe he didn't like it as much as I thought he did.

What a cute kid!

I enjoy spending time with old people and really young kids. They don't have stereotypes, and they aren't so self-conscious about their image. They are just their genuine selves. It makes communicating so much more enjoyable. Even if I don't understand the sounds that are coming out of their mouths.

LLIB 11--The Nursing Home

2009-11-20T18:05:00.000-08:00

857. Call a nursing home or retirement center and ask for a list of the residents who seldom get mail or visitors. Send them a card several times a year. Sign it, "Someone who thinks you are very special."

So I went back to the nursing home near my house this past Monday and Wednesday. Monday I picked up the volunteer form (and an employment form), and Wednesday I dropped it off. So far I haven't heard back, but it's only been two days since.

Dying scares me. Getting old and sick scares me too. What am I doing trying to volunteer at a nursing home? The biggest reason is this: I know what it feels like to be alone. And people shouldn't have to feel that, especially during the dusk of their lives. I'd like for them to smile and laugh, and myself along with them.

Life is meant to be shared.

LLIB 10--Catalogs

2009-11-20T17:29:00.000-08:00

(This one is for missing yesterday).

925. Order an L.L. Bean catalog. Write to L.L. Bean, Freeport, ME 04033, or go to www.llbean.com.

926. Order a Sundance catalog. Call 1-800-422-2770 or go to www.sundancecatalog.com.

I like catalogs. I remember going through the Toys'r'us catalog page by page and selecting one toy that I liked the best from each page. Lately it has been home furnishing catalogs. IKEA has a great one.

One of the ten commandments is "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor". Is it wrong to look at a catalog and wish you had some of those things? I do it whenever ads come in my mailbox. TVs, sound systems, couch sets...*sigh*. For those of you that are into music, you can request a catalog from www.musiciansfriend.com.

Now I just have to wait two weeks for my catalogs to arrive.

LLIB 9--Money = Happiness?

2009-11-18T23:35:00.000-08:00

796. Don't think you can fill an emptiness in your heart with money.

Honestly, this one will be hard for me. I've been thinking about money a lot lately. Like for the past 25 years of my life.

I don't think we were in any really serious financial troubles growing up, (although I wouldn't know because my parents never went too into detail about our financial situation), but it felt like there was always this looming cloud of scarcity over our heads. Dad would always remind us to turn off the lights that we weren't using; Mom would insist that my brother's hand-me-down clothes were just fine; going to McDonald's was a special occasion, usually only reserved for birthdays; one Christmas I remember the majority of our presents were small wrapped up cereal boxes....

So I would dream a lot about money and what I would do if I had a ton of it.
I still do. If I had a billion dollars right now, this is what I think I would do:
Donate several million to charity.
Buy a Taylor and a Martin guitar with built in pick-ups.
Buy an amp.
Get a new car. Japanese made of course.
Buy a 5 bedroom house with a view of a lake, the sunset, and the sunrise.
Use about a million dollars to furnish the house.
Buy a McDonald's franchise. Or maybe Subway. Or better yet, Hamakatsu.
Go to a Cleveland vs LA game.
Get a massage.
Buy a Temperpedic mattress.
Go to the doctor and get a check up on my right shoulder and my left hip...and the rest of my body.
Go to the dentist.
Get eye correction surgery...maybe. I'm still scared they'll mess up and I'll end up blind.
Buy some nice clothes.
Spend a million dollars on friends. Not to buy friends. But to treat the ones that treat me well.
Vacation in some tropical paradise where the water is a crystal clear blue-green.
See a concert at Carnegie Hall.
Decorate my house during Christmas to look like Santa Clause's house.
Buy several original paintings by Thomas Kinkaide.
Buy several original paintings by James Christensen.

Hmmmm...I'm running out of ideas. I probably only used up about 12 million just now. I guess the rest would be used on parties, drugs, and alcohol. Ha, sure. But really though, most of those people that win the lottery just end up rotting away. The "Curse of the Lottery"--mo' money, mo' problems. Or so they say.

What is it about money that is so alluring? It really isn't about money, but about us. I have always heard the phrase that money does not equal happiness. And assuming that we all want to be happy, why do we gravitate toward something that supposedly brings us none?

LLIB 8--Five People I'd Like to Meet

2009-11-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

703. Ask someone you'd like to know better to list five people he or she would most like to meet. It will tell you a lot about that person.

I want to know myself better. Really. Here is my list for the time being:

Martin Luther King Jr.
Albert Einstein
George Washington
Thomas Edison
Miyamoto Musashi

I wonder what this says about me? Who is on your list?

Impulse Buying

2009-11-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

You know the small snack stand located right before the register? I think I've purchased something from there twice in my entire life. I'm not exactly an impulse buyer--I usually try to go in with a list of what I need and get out with nothing more.

Yesterday, however, was a different story. Recently I've been going to the local thrift store a couple of times a week. Yesterday morning, I walk in with the intention of just looking around (by the way, this is a bad thing to do if you are trying to save money), and end up finding two really sweet, framed paintings. They aren't originals unfortunately, but they look nice nonetheless. I take a couple of minutes admiring them when I notice one or two shoppers eye-ing my new found treasures greedily. Without thinking, I hoist the two frames over my head and proceed to walk to the register. Yes, I did use the word "hoist"--these paintings are BIG. Along the way, I get a few glances and one person actually complimented me on my find. And why not? These are no candy bars, these are works of art.

Out in the parking lot I started to wish they were candy bars. I didn't think through the fact that I drive a two door Nissan. It took me a good 20 minutes getting those things to fit through my car door. But fit they did, and now they are safely in my room waiting to spruce up a wall. Here they are for your viewing pleasure (I added in my guitar for scale):

This one has kind of an oriental feel to it.

(That's my guitar--it's a Art & Lutherie. Had it for almost 4 years now.)

Sorry about the reflection. I'm not a photographer.

When I get rich, I'm going to collect original pieces of art.

LLIB 7

2009-11-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

184. Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
So true. To be needed and wanted gives people strength to press on. Very few people can go through life with nothing but values and principles. Most of us need people. And although many of our actions are selfish, I believe that there is a desire in each of us to serve others and feel the joy of being appreciated.

Happiness comes from loving and being loved.
...the question is, what does it mean to love?

LLIB 6

2009-11-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

1017. Be wary of the man who's "all hat and no cattle."
I didn't know what this meant, so I looked it up. This what I found:

1.	All hat and no cattle	12 up, 7 down
	buy an all hat and no cattle mug or cap or hoodie A slang phrase from the Southwestern United States, indicating a person is more image or projection than actual substance. It is probably derived from the region's contempt for people who are not cowboys or ranchers but who try to mimic the frontiersman image through superficial adoption of the region's folkways. President Bush's new tax plan is supposed to help the struggling middle class and revitalize the stock market. However, closer analysis reveals that he's just all hat and no cattle.

LLIB 5

2009-11-14T23:53:00.000-08:00

684. You may be fortunate and make a lot of money, but be sure your work involves something that enriches your spirit as well as your bank account.
I used to have a job a couple of months ago that was very promising. A generous salary plus commission, and very rapid growth. A few people there were making six figures a year; keep in mind these are college students I am talking about. But even though there was the promise of monetary reward, I felt drained emotionally and mentally every day--even on days that I didn't have to work. So I quit. There really are some things money can't buy.

I'm still planning on being a gazillionare.

Friday Night Drive

2009-11-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

I decided to go for a drive just for the heck of it. I never do this, but there was nothing else to do.

My car radio is set to country station KBULL. Yes, I like country music. And I find it a little irritating when people immediately bash on it. Why does country get such a bad rap? I can understand if someone doesn't like it, but it would be nice if they just left it at that. Don't go raining on someone else's parade.

I didn't drive for very long. Just to a rehab and nursing center, to the Provo Temple and then to the mall. I stopped by the nursing home to see if I could volunteer. They told me I would have to come back on Monday when the front desk is open. I kind of liked the feeling there. At the mall I took a short walk to hear and see the commotion of all the shoppers as they got started on their holiday shopping, and to stop by a couple of stores. I found the bow ties I was looking for. $16.99. I'll get one soon. I couldn't pass up Thomas Kinkade's gallery. If you don't know who he is, I highly recommend finding out. His paintings are the most collected out of all living American artists. And they are amazing. I want to live in one of his paintings.

My last stop was the music store. I bought a couple of guitar picks, which I usually do when I go to a music store. I have a couple of songs that I am working on. They should be posted soon.

LLIB 4

2009-11-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

70. Whistle
Whistling was one of those physically impossible human abilities that I always wanted to do, but never could. So I consulted YouTube again. How To Wolf Whistle. My regular "strolling along the sidewalk whistle" still sounds like someone breathing through a respirator, but I actually got a respectable sharp shrill using the one-handed whistle! Now I can hail down a cab if I ever go to NY.

121. Resist the temptation to buy a boat.
.....done.

....

2009-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing I try to write seems to satisfy what I feel inside right now. Maybe it's for the better.

I have never been comfortable expressing what I really feel. I am scared that people won't understand me, or think that something is wrong with me. And scared that they would be right.

But it's real hard to go through life alone.

LLIB 3...and remodeling

2009-11-13T01:25:00.000-08:00

830. Take photographs of every car you own. Later, these photos will trigger wonderful memories.
Here is my car:

Fond memories? I got this car about 4 months ago. It's already been towed twice. And I had to pay a drop fee on it once. Total--approx. $300. Which actually resulted in another expense (fixing the driver side window) of $150. But I will admit that this is a step up from my last car (and also my first car) which looked something like this...

...except my car was brown. And it didn't have tinted windows. Exact same model though. I kind of miss it.

Remodeling my room at 1:30 in the morning....that's what I get for thinking I could get away with screwing straight into drywall. These are my shelves:

I leaned on the middle shelf to try and blow out a candle that was on the top shelf.... Those are fish bowls with real fish in them. Now I am down to two shelves, and the fish in the bottom bowl moved into my drinking cup.

I stepped on a small piece of glass. But I'm too tired to do anything about it. And plus, a vacuum would be too loud at this hour. Home Depot tomorrow...

LLIB 2

2009-11-11T23:07:00.000-08:00

126. Know how to tie a bow tie.
I found some bow ties online. But they are a bit more expensive than I expected. So I just opted to learn how to tie a bow tie via YouTube--How to Tie a Bow Tie. Just like tying shoelaces.

149. Skip one meal a week and give what you would have spent to a street person.
I didn't skip a meal today. Nonetheless I ran into someone asking for money. He was standing outside the local thrift store dressed in a denim jacket and cap, asking if anyone could spare a quarter. I gave him the only money that was in my wallet--a one dollar bill. Not a whole lot. Definitely less than what I would have spent on a meal. I guess I have to start carrying a bit more cash on me.

LLIB 1

2009-11-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

126. Know how to tie a bow tie.
This one will have to be postponed till tomorrow. I wasn't able to find a bow tie today. Yes, I actually went out to see if I could buy one. I don't know when I will ever use it, but what the heck. I don't mind looking like James Bond.

289. Get and stay in shape.
I used to be much better at this. About a month or two ago I lost almost ten pounds due to stress, the flu, and not eating enough. I also stopped going to the gym regularly. If you're curious to know, I'm at 150 right now. Starting today I am going to go to the gym at least five times a week and eat healthier. My goal is to get up to 165.

1125. Become a serious student of American history.

History has been one of my worst subjects. It's almost as embarrassing as my lack of a sense of direction. I don't even know what year my parents were born. But I really do believe that history is a valuable source of information. I only have enough years in my life to live one lifetime. But history can teach me lessons from a thousand. My brother gave me a book called "Liberty and Tyranny" by Mark R. Levin for my birthday. I'll start with that.

The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book

2009-11-10T02:40:00.000-08:00

As part of my attempt to chart a different course in life, I've decided to try a little experiment. I bought "The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book" over a year ago. It is a very small book that contains "1,560 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life". At the time I thought it was a nifty little book and would help me be a better person, but it ended up just sitting on my shelf like many of the books I've bought. Cut! Take two...

I've hinted in previous posts/songs that life has been...well, not exactly what I was hoping it would be. I don't expect that this book will change my life drastically, although it would be nice if it did. I'm just looking for something small to come out of it. You can still expect that some of my posts will be about concerns or fears that I have, and that my songs won't suddenly resemble a Jimmy Dean Breakfast commercial. I am not going to just ignore a part of me that makes me me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how hard I try to be positive and productive, there are going to days and times when all the Jimmy Dean sausages in the world won't be able to turn me around.

Like I said, this is going to be an experiment. Each day I will do at least one of the "instructions" listed in the book and then write about it. It's not going to be in any particular order, but I'll let you know what number it was.

Day 1 starts now.

Art: Fall

2009-11-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

This is titled "Fall". I forgot the exact date that I did it...i know it was a Sunday in either September or October. I used water color, brown paper, three leaves from the ground, fire, and matchsticks.

I tried to get a sense of the leaves and matchsticks falling.

I singed the edge of the paper a bit. I tried doing the leaves as well, but they stunk.

You can kind of see the reflection of my room.

A night out in the city

2009-11-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

Last night I stayed in a hotel in SLC alone. This will be my home till Friday. There are two beds, but it's just me. I'm here for work. My friend asked if I could help out at his company convention, and being strapped for cash, I agreed. My job here is pretty boring, so I won't write about that at all.

I don't travel much. In fact, I don't even really get out of Provo much. I have to admit that I have a small fear of driving. I have never been in an accident, nor have I ever received a ticket. But I still don't like driving....for the following reasons:
1) I'm afraid I am going to get lost. I have an incredibly bad sense of direction. I am still in disbelief at my own incompetence. My parents live in a two story, 3 bedroom house right now. When we first moved in there, I was afraid that I would not be able to remember where my room was. I think i was ten at the time.
2) I'm afraid that I am going to get into an accident. I think I am kind of a safe driver. I don't speed. I try to check my mirrors frequently. I always use my blinkers. But man...some of these Utah drivers scare the hell out of me!
I want to drive more though. Just to get out and see what's out there. I've often thought about what my current life would look like if it was plotted on google map. And in all honesty, it would be one short and very dark line going from my house to my work...with a small branch going to Macey's (the grocery store, not the department store). Yep, my place, my workplace, and groceries. I wish it looked more like a flash of lightning that reached all over the map and went in crooked, jagged lines.

That's why I wanted to write about being in a hotel in SLC. It's only fifty minutes away. But just being in a different place than usual, sleeping in a different bed (which is great, but too many pillows), and having a different routine, kind of makes me look at life from a different perspective. I think that is why people travel and go on vacations. They are not only leaving their house behind, but they are leaving themselves behind as well. Sometimes I feel that the only time I can really be myself is when I am in a place that no one knows me.

First Snow

2009-10-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

It was about 11:10 PM. I was standing outside the Provo Temple right in front of the fountain. The fountain was turned off, but the lights were still shining under the surface. A few flakes fell...

...then it started to snow. Small snowflakes, millions of them, swirling around in the quiet night. The ones above the fountain formed a pillar that seemed to start from the sky. I looked up for twenty, almost thirty minutes, just trying to get lost in it all.

I had just finished writing a song about snow and winter. It was as if heaven was trying to communicate with me...

...or was it just a coincidence? I really wish I knew.

Song: Die Like An Angel

2009-10-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

I wrote this song over two years ago. I read a news article about the passing away of the oldest person at that time. I don't remember her name, but I do remember that someone she knew said that "she died like an angel". That phrase really stood out to me and prompted me to write this song.

In my songs, I noticed that I have a lot of references to suns, angels, life, and death.

Sorry for the small static hum. It might be my computer whirring. I promise one day I'll record better versions of my songs. After I learn how to sing.

Die Like An Angel

Lyrics:

How many years
Will the Lord have to take
To get back all those days
That I let run away

And will it be
Just a little too late
To think about what could have been
When I stand at those gates

But life goes on
I'm counting days now, one by one
They say I'm still young
But I know this will soon be gone

Chorus:

When my life ends
Will anyone I know
Say he died, oh he died
Like an angel
Would they be right
Or would it be a lie
To say he died, oh he died
Like an angel

Sometimes I get scared
And it feels like no one cares
But no one said
That life would be fair

So I close my eyes
Dream about those days gone by
When the sun would shine everyday
And the stars at night

Song: Where Fallen Angels Rest

2009-10-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

The inspiration for this song came from several different sources--articles I read, the film I just recently watched, a friend, and myself.

I just got a mic and some introductory recording software, so the audio should be a little better. Unfortunately my voice hasn't improved at all. And I didn't have the patience to redo it a thousand times. Ugh, how I wish I could sing.

Where Fallen Angels Rest

(it's in WMA format)

Lyrics:

All you touch is gold

I want you to reach me

Make all these wrong things right

Like the ray of the sun

From the dark of the night

Some days it feels like hell

The words don't seem to rhyme

Somewhere along the way

I fell a step behind

Chorus:

And I don't have wings to fly

And I lost the words to say

Can you save me

Won't you tell me

I'm dying to know

If there's a place

I will go

When this is over

And the storms are done

With our chambers smoking

From our empty guns

And I'll just hold my breath

As you pull me along

Where fallen angels rest

And all the pain is gone

Dear Zachary

2009-10-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching "Dear Zachary", a film by Kurt Kuenne. WOW. It was one of the most emotionally powerful films I have ever seen.

"Dear Zachary" is a tribute to Kurt's friend Andrew Bagby, who was murdered and never got a chance to meet his own son, Zachary. The film was originally meant to be a letter to Zachary about his father, and along the way becomes much more than that. I won't go into any more detail than that, you'll just have to watch it for yourself. But I will tell you this: don't expect to be entertained by this film. The word "entertaining" just seems too casual to describe it. Be prepared to have it grab your heart and never let go.

I give it 5 out of 5 stars. I highly recommend it, but not to everyone.

Watch it if:
-you like documentaries
-you appreciate inspiring and moving films
-you are sensitive, but not weak at heart...this is an emotionally draining film

Don't watch it if:
-you are an insensitive a**hole

2009-10-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post. I have been pretty much holed up in my room for the past five days with the flu, which I got from my roommate who (whom?) I rarely see. I've been working on another song...hopefully it will be done sometime next week. Oh, and I think I'm going to be writing soon about what I intend to do now that I have dropped school. And I bought a poker chip set. Not related to the previous sentence in any way.

Recent paintings

2009-10-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's 8 AM, Saturday morning. I have no idea why I am up so early. But since I don't feel like going back to bed, I decided to put up a couple of paintings that I did recently.

Drawing has been a hobby of mine for as far back as I can remember. I remember spending hours at my desk trying to put on paper what was in my head. What was in my head was really of no consequence--Ninja Turtles, superheroes, Dragonball, etc. But I loved it. I loved creating things that others could enjoy. It was my dream to be an artist.

Once high school started though, drawing kind of faded away. I guess that was about the time that I was told that being an artist meant that you would be dirt poor. I didn't want to be dirt poor.

I just started it up again. I'm already dirt poor. I might as well go all the way right? Hope you enjoy.

I am a HUGE Calvin and Hobbes fan. Calvin is one of my role models. Here is the preliminary sketch.

Calvin and Hobbes with watercolor. I used one of the pictures from the comic strip as a reference.

Finished product, 8/09/09. 21"X17.5"

I actually started this one thinking I was going to paint a cafe front. After a while, I dismissed the idea, flipped the paper over, and ended up with this. I call it "Snapshot of Soul".

9/05/09, 31" X 24"

"First Wave". This is my first oil painting. Thank you Wilson Bickford and Youtube.

9/06/09, 24" X 18"

This was done over a year ago as a present for my mom. It's the Japanese character for "love". The phonetic reading is "ai" and it sounds just like "eye". Yes, those are real leaves I picked off the ground.

Spring 2008

Song: I am the sunset

2009-10-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

Just wrote this song yesterday. I was in my roommate's bathroom for over three hours trying to record it.

The meaning is entirely up to you. I know what it means for myself.

I Am the Sunset
(I think it's in wma format. And I recommend earphones...the recording is really soft.)

Here are the lyrics:

You say you don't care
But I've seen you cry
Enough to believe

You're trying to let go
Of all you've ever known

Go where the wind blows
Where the light bends
So you don't have to pretend
That you belong with me

Chorus:
You are the sunrise
I am the sunset
You made the sun shine
On my fading silhouette
You are the sunrise
I am the sunset
Go make your world shine
And leave me here to die

I'm losing the pieces
Of a lifetime
That I once lived

My hands are bleeding
And I just can't seem to forget

Someday I'll find you
Stand right beside you
But for now I have to go

Step 1

2009-10-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson

I'm kind of scared to write about today's topic. I expect that those who know me will shake their heads in disbelief as they read on. But I said that I would document this life and so here it is: my life...

Yesterday, October 1st, 2009, I dropped out of school.

Yep it's true. I walked into the administration office, asked for a discontinuance form, and filled it out right there on the spot. I walked out feeling...new. The girl at the reception desk, seeing me with my one day stubble and hair over my ears probably thought "What a pity. Good riddance." Likewise.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I turned 25 recently. I graduated high school on time in 2002 and went on to pursue a higher education thinking I would major in mechanical engineering. After a year, I went to Japan as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Two years later I was back at school, but this time I wasn't so sure what to do. General credits took up a couple of semesters before I decided to study computer engineering. My first day in class, the teacher invited someone to share a joke to lighten the mood. "There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't." It seemed like everyone was laughing except me. I didn't get it. I should have taken the hint.

My last switch was to economics. This time I was sure that I had found the major that was meant for me. Crash and burn again. I ended up failing a class or two and withdrawing from a couple more.

I never would have thought that I would fail a class, or drop out of school for that matter. Maybe I could have stuck it out and earned my degree. After all, looking at it from a "logical" perspective I had already invested a couple years of my life into it. But I failed to recognize that those years were being invested in something I was not passionate about. I was living the life that others expected, not the life that I wanted.

How the rest of this journey will play out is still a mystery. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was scared and nervous as to what my future holds. But for now--Step 1: Accomplished.

I'll keep you posted.

Why do we grow up?

2009-09-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
--Doug Anderson

I am writing my third post from the local laundromat. As a kid, I used to equate laundromats to poverty. I guess that makes me poor. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days when all I had to worry about was eating the vegetables that were put on my plate. I never had a problem with greens, so I really didn't have much to worry about.

But in all honesty, I had a lot on my little mind back then. I was worried about my parents dying and leaving my brothers and I alone. I was worried about the Bloods and Crips and the other gang violence that they educated you about in elementary school. The rainforests and the o-zone layer were also large concerns. Does anyone remember this?

On a lighter note, I wasn't worried about getting dirty. No, dirt was a welcome element in my childhood. Especially when it was mixed with rain. I loved the rain. Rain meant drinking hot chocolate (yes, I drank hot chocolate in Hawaii--it doesn't snow there...rain is the next best thing) and the possibility of getting sick and missing a couple days of class. And being sick meant being able to drink soda and watch TV even if it wasn't Saturday.

I once remember reading a book where they mentioned moon fever. Apparently, moon fever happens when you sleep with the moons rays shining directly on you. I went to bed that night with the blinds open and my head carefully placed in the moonlight. I went to class the next day.

It's a good thing I didn't hear of swine flu back then.

There are so many things I believed as a little kid. After watching David Copperfield for the first time, I believed that I could fly if I concentrated hard enough; when that didn't work, I resorted to cardboard attached to my arms with plastic ties. I believed that I could channel energy through my hands like Son Goku. I believed that the car's turning signal told my parents when and where to turn. The right arrow blinks. My mom turns right a few seconds later. LOL, how silly was that...

Why did that change? When did I decide that I can't fly and dirt is dirty? The world was such a different place when I was young. Er. YoungER. I'm still young. I still like to throw snowballs.

My grandparents. Almost everything I know about them.

2009-09-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

To know where we are going, we must recognize where we are now, and understand where we came from.

Both of my parents are originally from Japan. So although I grew up in Hawaii surrounded by all the pidgin talk and board shorts, I would have to say that the atmosphere within the walls of my home was very Asian. I don't ever recall my parents kissing, hugging, holding hands, or saying "I love you" to each other. My dad's parents were even worse.

Worse? Maybe not the right word, but I use it in a strictly comparative sense.

My Ojiichan (grandfather) was the typical Japanese samurai-ish male. It was his way or the highway, and you weren't allowed to take the highway, so it was his way. Obaachan (grandmother) would stay at home and cook and clean. Since they never really learned how to speak English and I only understood very minimal Japanese, the typical "trip to grandmother's" consisted more or less of an awkward greeting, a shy smile, and then a couple hours of playing outside with my older brother. I have never had a real conversation with them. Never found out what their childhood was like, their favorite foods, how they met, the hardships of starting all over in a foreign country, why they moved to Hawaii in the first place....

My mom's parents were back in Japan so I don't even really remember what they look like.

All four of my grandparents have passed away. My dad's dad was the last one to go. January 26, 2009. I remember only because I have the text my dad sent me still saved on my phone. [From: Dad Ojichan just past away. Jan 26, 6:38 am]. I was at my job when I received the text. I asked to be let off early, called my dad, asked if he was okay, and then sat in my car for a moment feeling like a stranger to the world around me.

I didn't attend the funeral. I didn't attend any of the funerals to be honest. It's not that I tried to avoid them, but I can't say that I made an effort to make it. I know, pretty terrible right? Come to think of it, I only know one of their names. My dad's dad--Suzuo....I think.

It's probably safe to say that none of them will be attending mine.

September 21, 2009. The world turned upside down.

2009-09-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

I was born 25 years ago on this day. But I actually only made it to the age of 24 years and 362 days before I died.

My life now started on September 21, 2009. I don't feel ready or comfortable to share why at this moment. That may come eventually, but I'm not guaranteeing anything. I will say this: up until September 21, 2009, I had been going through life feeling....meh. Many times it was much worse than just "meh". It hasn't gotten better quite yet. I am curious to see where it will go from here. And this blog is where I've decided to document this life.

For some reason I feel an urge to let my voice be heard to whoever is willing to listen. I don't consider myself to be an open person. I may show when I am irritated or angry. But those things that inspire, change, and hurt me, I am much more reluctant to express. Breaking down that wall may prove to be difficult; I can only promise that I will try...at least over the internet.

Well, (deep breath) here goes....